Trend-setter

You know how I'm super handsome and typically have excellent taste in clothing? You know how it seems like my fashion sense is always one step ahead of yours (*cough* Shoa *cough*)? You might assume that I just read GQ and rip off their ideas, but I'm all original you smug jerk.

Guess what you're wearing right now? Sweat pants and a torn t-shirt. I bet it's not even your t-shirt. It's probably your boyfriend's disgusting gym shirt that he threw in the hamper, but you desperately dug it out and wore it because you haven't done laundry in 3 weeks.

You know what I'm wearing? Mother. Fucking. Cuff links.

That's right. I'll give you a moment to absorb that tasty fashion nugget. Dress shirt from the Donald Trump collection with silver cufflinks. I won't even bother describing the rest of my outfit, because your tears might stain your boyfriends rank t-shirt.

I'm perched in a little indie coffee shop in Mukilteo, gazing down over a clouded Puget Sound, sipping my Americano from an oversized red mug, and rocking a professional outfit that makes all the little high shcool ladies stare (can they even spell "statutory"?). Here's a picture that I took while eye-flirting with your mom from across the café:

In fact, I've just been inspired with an amazing new idea for a coffee shop here in Seattle: "The Fashionista Barista"! All my baristas will wear insane couture while I sit in a raised booth with a monocle and judge my customers.