A Lady Gaga Christmas

I don't typically post twice in a day, but this offer is just so amazing that I needed to share. Today, Amazon.com is promoting a special Lady Gaga song "Christmas Tree" in time for the holiday season. It's free.

I'm going to allow you a moment to let the gravity of this situation sink in.

You can get a LADY GAGA song.

For. Free.

OMFG!!!

The lyrics, btw, are an undeniable masterpiece of human expression. I feel confident saying that this song is the greatest achievement of Art in all the millennia of human existence. From crude cave drawings, to Greek sculpture, to Beethoven and Mozart, to Andy Warhol, to the culminating pinnacle of creation with Lady Gaga. I don't want to give it all away, but some of the most poignant phrases include:

"Ho. Ho. Ho. Under the mistletoe. Yes, everybody knows we will take off our clothes, yes, if you want us to we will."

Also, "Oh oh, it's Christmas. My Christmas tree's delicious." I think this is symbolism, but I can't be sure.

The entire thing culminates with some dude who sounds like a cheap version of T-Pain yelling "Space Cowboy" over and over again. This has quickly become the new standard by which all Christmas music will be compared against.

Civic Duty

On Saturday night, I met up with my jolly buddy Felipe at an Irish pub in Fairfax called "The Auld Shebeen". It's one of my favorite spots in Old Town Fairfax. You know why? Because they're very discerning about who they let inside (no Italians). Felipe had never been there before but, laughing like a bowl full of jelly, he said he would put it in his navigation system.

Well, imagine my surprise when I get a call from Felipe saying that he's lost. Apparently, Google doesn't have the bar correctly listed in its mythic system of inter-tubes. If you search for The Auld Shebeen, you'll find a listing ("Now Guido-Free!") with the correct address. And if you type that raw address without the title of the establishment into Google Maps, it will properly display the location. But if you type in "The Auld Shebeen, Fairfax, VA" Google Maps suddenly has a series of seizures (much like my cousin, may he rest in peace) and decides to throw the location in the middle of a residential neighborhood like 2 miles away. Here's proof:


View Larger Map

Anyways, I found this to be unacceptable, so I used Google Maps error reporting feature and informed them of this grievous error. I will keep you posted on any developments. You can send your letters and cards of appreciation to my new address in Vienna. Yes, I have moved from my awesome pad in Arlington. I have a couple of new roommates now. They're a little older than me, but generally ok people.

5-Year UVA Reunion

I was the fortunate recent recipient of the renown, award-winning, and world-class UVA alumni magazine. My delicate fingers quivering with joy like Michael J. Fox on a cocaine high, I was flipping through the pages when I saw an ad for the upcoming 5-year reunion for the class of 2005. Naturally, I went to the website and pre-registered immediately.

During the registration process, there is a section where you can enter the name of your spouse and any children. Naturally, I put "Andrea Leung" as my spouse and "Shoa" and "David" as my two children. Hahaha! Isn't that funny? Can you imagine if Shoa and David really were siblings?! Man, that would be so weird if Shoa had some creepy, unnaturally close relationship with her brother. I know that's a ridiculous thought, but it's still hilarious to speculate...

And as a parting thought, Happy Thanksgiving. I'm going to gorge on more leftovers and pumpkin pie, then pass out. If anyone hears me giggling in my sleep, it's because I'm dreaming of all the starving African children.

New Moon

Bella: I'm kind of suicidally depressed.
Jacob: Yo. I'm abruptly emo. Let's hang.
Bella: I guess I can emotionally torture you for like 1.5 hours while tweens scream in the audience.
(Tweens: OMGGGGG!!!)
Edward: I hate life right now.
Connor: I hate life right now, too.

Digital archives... of my heart

I was recently going through some old bags of things and I found my old phone! It was a piece of crap Motorola Krzr (apparently they hate vowels) that I loathed with a burning passion, but it brought back a lot of old memories. Also, I found a lot of awesome old photos, videos and text messages on there. In the interest of sentimentality, I would like to post some of these delightful reminders of bygone years here.

On April 15th, Shiva texted me and said "Hey man thhok about pottery for picking 8p womens"
Thanks for the tips on the ladies, Shiva. You're such a player.

On April 24th, Felipe texted me with "You were single at a wedding? For shame."
Then he followed it up with "You're lame for your singledom."
And a minute later: "I am too. So ronrey."
I kind of hate and feel bad for him all at once, which is some seriously weird internal conflict! Who would have thought that text messages from a year ago would test the limits of my emotional maturity?!

On May 7th, I got a text from Andy that simply said "Love me..."
That's saaaad.

I also found an outrageous video on my phone that captures a conversation that Shiva had with Katie, Elizabeth, and myself. Sadly, I'm unable to transfer the video so I'll just need to transcribe the dialogue (which is the funny party anyways). The video kind of cuts in during the middle of a conversation, so in the background you just hear somebody mumble the word "crisis" and then this happens:

Katie: Well you stuck your fingers in his mouth, so that--
Shiva: Well, it's not a crisis...
Me: You said it was an eternal crisis!
Shiva: No, no. That's not what it was. It was like 'Why did I do that?'
Katie: Because you enjoyed it.
Elizabeth: To enjoy some sexual finger sucking.

I just want to point out that in the video, Shiva may or may not have been having an eternal crisis about sucking the fingers of a man. The gender was very clear.

Here's a picture of Felipe and Wenri dancing in Shiva's basement with their pants off. I clearly remember this was the point in the evening that I decided to say take my leave. Shiva, Felipe and Wenri all CLAIM that nothing happened that night, but I guess we'll never know for sure.

And this is a photo that I actually really, truly love. I took this in Nantucket during the Fourth of July weekend in 2008. It's the oldest windmill in North America, or something insane like that. But essentially, I'm just really impressed with the crappy camera on my Krzr phone.

Pshhh... Krzr. Wht stpd nm. Enjy plz k thnx.

Deception and consequence

Today I received an email from a "friend" of mine that was pretty obvious spam. This "friend" was trying to generate interest in a website that she had recently become involved with. I've copied the email below, with certain names edited for confidentiality:

Hello Hello!

First off, I’d like to start with a Congratulations:

Congratulations to you!  I went through my entire contact list, and when I saw your name, I immediately thought, “Yes! Connor is someone I want to keep updated about my life.”

(If I’ve misjudged you, please let me know, and I will take you off this list.)

(If I’ve accurately pegged you as caring, intellectually inquisitive, and kind, read on!)

Well, in September, I joined C-------.com, a company that specializes in interactive video.

“Praytell S---, what is Interactive Video?” you ask.

Interactive Video is video that responds to user choices.  You can see a sample on our site: www.c-------.com.   In the example, a spokesperson asks for responses to your questions.  Interactive video is great for marketing, training, and surveying in an engaging way.  Boring video and text are out, engaging interactive video is in!  The video helps create a customized viewing experience for the user.  Also, our reporting engine lets you know right away how people are responding.  So if you’re doing an interactive video of a politician having a conversation with constituents visiting the web site, you can see what issues they were interested in and what direction they leaned towards.

We are currently in the midst of building a training product, called A-----, that helps people improve their interpersonal skills in the workplace. I'm pretty excited about this.  Most people are already good with people, so just a _slight_ improvement in people skills could be worth a couple extra hundred thousand to you over the course of your career.  We include lessons and interactive roleplay exercises that are fun and encourage users to explore how to act in different business situations with people.

“S---, I must know: how is the company doing?” you implore.

Things are going great. We're now up to three full time people and a number of part-timers. We've signed several key customers, and we're smack in the middle of building interactive videos for them.  We've also partnered with some terrific professional script writers, videographers, and video editing experts. The result is that we now have the ability to deliver top quality interactive videos for all applications.

“How can I help!?” you graciously offer.

Well, we are just ramping up our marketing efforts. If you think your organization or some other organization can make use of this cool new approach to online communications, please get in touch and we'll follow-up.

We'll certainly appreciate any assistance or ideas as well!

Warm regards, "Former friend of Connor's"

I was enraged. Here is my stinging response:

Have you sent this email to each of your friends, and just ran a search and replace for the name of the person? I noticed you only mentioned my name once in the first paragraph, and the rest of it was a pretty strange boilerplate email.

It's like getting an obvious mass text message but it pretends as if it's really only addressed to you. Let me be clear, I am furious if that is the case. I'm going to dedicate the rest of my life to making sure that your new website fails terribly. I'm going to leave the most withering, awful feedback possible. So I suppose congratulations really ARE in order, S---.

Congratulations: you've just made the worst enemy of your life. I'll see you in hell.

Connor's Visit to Charlottesville

So my friend Bobby went as me for Halloween.  Part of the act included excessive chatter about UVa (go 'hoos!) and demands that everyone in the room do shots.  At first I thought he was portraying nothing more than a selective and sad caricature of myself.  But today I realized just how accurate his little bit was.

Last night, Shiva and I went out to some of my favorite watering holes in Charlottesville.  And at every one of them, we ended up doing a shot at my behest.  Stopping Shiva mid-conversation, I would simply interrupt with, "shot?", and flap my huge doe eyes until he obliged.  Bobby was right.  I love my liquor.

I also chewed out Shiva for his failing to visit UVa's gorgeous main grounds often enough, rejecting his ridiculous excuses that it's several miles from the law school and he never has class there.  I then proceeded to buy a UVa sweatshirt from Mincer's, which I realized may have been the highlight of my entire trip to Charlottesville.  It's a fantastic sweatshirt.  I was pleased with how long its sleeves are-- it's hard to find one that fits my lanky woman arms without drowning my petite body.  But the main reason I literally jumped for joy on the sidewalk by the Corner after trying it on is that I just love this school.  I was so happy to have its name temporarily tatooed across my chest.  Well, most of it, anyway-- "ersity of" is all that managed to fit on my scrawny little boy pecs.

Good job Bobby.

Disclaimer: This post was actually written by Shiva. And of course, he has betrayed me.

Label-tastic

Some of you may have noticed that I add three delightful labels to the bottom of every post I make. I try and sum up the spirit of every post with these little post-scripts of joy. It's a little extra gift for visiting this blog. Think of when the maid leaves a mint on your pillow after making the bed. Or when your boss gives you a firm, open-palm slap on the ass after presenting a report.

In a word: "Bonus".

I have an intricate, lovingly crafted system for creating these labels, by the way. Generally, I try and make two of the labels genuinely helpful in case you were searching for some specific content in a post. The third label is just a shit show. Let's just say it's an inside joke between you (dear reader) and me. And that comment is not intended for every one of my blog readers. It's only an inside joke between me and YOU. You know who you are.

You are the wind in my sales

Some people who are born into the bosom of Mother Gaia are blessed with a natural ability to make sales. They have a likable demeanor, an inviting smile, and a silver tongue. Their voice draws you in and almost lulls you into a trance. The car salesman I spoke to this morning possessed none of these qualities.

He looked like a fleshy balloon that was about to pop. He had cinched his belt tightly (wayyy too tight) around his ponderous girth, creating what is colloquially known as a "muffin top." He spotted me looking at cars from across the lot, and came huffing up the sidewalk. Sweat stains slowly expanded down his shirt as he reached out to shake my hand. His grip was slimy and greasy, as if his body were sweating out mayonnaise instead of moisture.

"Do you have any GMC Terrains?" I asked him.
"ARGHHH! SO HUNGRY!" he bellowed at me, his fat tongue rolling to one side of his bulky face. He eyed me with an expression that reminded me of my time with that African cannibal tribe.

I was lucky to get out of the dealership alive, but sadly he managed to consume one of my kidneys. Live and learn.

Can't read my p-p-p-poker face

My mother is worried about me. I know this because she believes I've gone insane and has tried to tell me many times that people love me. You might be sitting there, all alone at home, wrapped in your Snuggie, wondering why people would be worried about me. "That Connor," you say to yourself "is such a happy person. He's got a great attitude. Why would people worry about him?!"

The answer is all about a game of cards, and my inability to control my emotions while playing them. My "poker face" if you will. Allow me to explain.

I love playing Hearts. It's pretty much one of my most favorite activities of all time (the other being scrap-booking). Sometimes I play online, but more frequently I'll just play the version of the game that comes installed by default on Microsoft Windows. My goal in this scenario is to keep my win percentage at 50% or higher. It's actually really hard.

In the default Windows version of this game, you can rename your computer opponents to whatever you like. So I chose to name them after some of my work colleagues (Marina, Cassie, and Alexis). Now, whenever I play against the computer, I'll sometimes get angry when they beat me and I'll unleash a stream of exuberant profanities. But my parents don't understand the situation, and they think that I'm infuriated at my old workmates for some elaborate personal reason, and that my emotional control is slowly breaking down. I'm pretty sure this is what Lady GaGa was going through when she wrote that hit song about her poker face.

I think it was called "Just Dance" or something.