Bess, I have failed you

Sweet Christ. For all my planning, I have failed you Bess Rogers. NOOOOOO!

I went on iTunes just now and I saw that my customer review was posted. But wait, why wasn't my post the number one comment? It was the most recent, so it should probably be at the top. But then I realized...

ALL THE OTHER REVIEWS GAVE HER FIVE STARS AND I ONLY GAVE HER FOUR!

I was so stingy! DAMNIT! I just thought that people sometimes give too many stars. And while I felt that her album was good, it wasn't "Five stars" good. I mean, the songs were all amazing, but some of them weren't the type that I would like to listen to every other day. Please forgive me, Bess. I didn't mean it.

My first iTunes album review! OMG!

I'm filled with nervous anticipation as my fingers brush over the keys. Instead of swift, confident keystrokes, I strike down on the pad with hesitant uncertainty. Doubt clouds my feeble mind! I quickly backspace over the two words I had just carefully crafted. They weren't eloquent enough, damnit! Beads of sweat form on my brow. I phone my family psychiatrist for an emergency session, which quickly devolves into weeping.

Am I working on my resume? Am I applying for a new job? Am I writing a wedding toast?

No, this is something else. The pressure is far more intense. This is my first album review on iTunes. A while ago, I went to a club in Clarendon called Iota and saw an artist perform there. Her name was Bess Rogers, and I thought she was amazing. Our eyes connected over the crowd as she whispered (just for me, I'm sure) "Mic check. Check, check. Can you hear me?"

Yes, Bess. I hear you.

That was last month, but I just now found the note that I made on my iPhone to buy her album, "Travel Back". And since Nic gave me an iTunes gift card for my birthday, I thought I would put it to good use. Normally, I would just pirate her album, but Bess is such a small-time artist, that I can't even steal her music. Well played, Bess.

Anyways, I was such a fan of the album, I decided to write a glowing review and submit it to iTunes. It took me about an hour. Seriously. But behold the review that I have written (I doubt a poet could even produce better):

Conn-Rating: 4 stars
Conn-Title: Worth Every Cent
Conn-Description: "Travel Back" is short, but sweet with great upbeat songs. I saw Bess Rogers live and immediately made a mental note to buy this album. "Everything to Lose" is my favorite, but each song has great merit!

Like a phoenix, risen from the ashes!

Yes, you all knew that it would happen one day or the other. Connblog, that indescribable hint of class in an otherwise crass and unfulfilling interweb, has been reborn. You may ask "Why now? Where did you go? How do I know you won't break my heart again?" These are all amazing questions, and I hope to answer them all in time. But first, I have to address something of pressing importance:

My doctor almost forgot to give me a groin exam today! I only come in once a year, and every year I'm told that I am the pinnacle of the human condition. My cholesterol? Perfection. Heart rate? It's like listening to God himself keep rhythm. Bloodwork? Cleaner than yo momma after I finish giving her a bath.

So the fact that she forgot to check "down South" is kind of a major oversight! My doctor doesn't even take my bloodwork (someone else does). All she does is ask if anything's wrong in particular, check me for moles, and then give me a friendly handshake in the nether regions. Only three things she needs to do, and she forgot one of them! And then when she realized her grave mistake, she wasn't kind or gentle either. Just because you're embarrassed, Doc, there's no reason to take out your wild emotions on my ability to make children.

Goodbye, Dr. Sindhwani. Your callous disregard has cost you a delightful patient. I'll see you in Hell.