Spoilerz Alert

Don't read this post if you don't want to know anything about the Twilight series. I'm serious. Just stop reading my intoxicating words now and come back some other day.

I am not fucking around. This post is going to reveal some heavy plot stuff and you probably don't want to have it spoiled.

I'm trying to create lots of line breaks here to push the main content off the page, but you're running out of time.

Still here? You've made the right choice. Not like those others.

I'm proud of you. You know what my grandfather struggled to whisper to me while he was dying from liver failure and the entire family begged him to give up the bottle?

"God hates a quitter."

So read on, my fellow dedicated souls! Drink deeply from the mouth of my 90 Proof blog-a-bottle.


Ok, have you noticed that pretty much NOTHING happens in the entire first half of Breaking Dawn (I'm bored and re-reading it)? All that they do is have weird sex and then get knocked up. All of that takes up as much space as the first Twilight book. I could write most of the plot in just one paragraph:

Bella: Oh you're so impossibly handsome! You have marble skin. I'm going to refer to you as being "marble" a lot.
Edward: You're kind of a dumbass. Like, mentally not that bright.
Jacob: I love youuuu, Bella!
Bella: I love you too!
Jacob: REALLY?!!
Bella: Hahaha dummy! Not really!
Jacob: Wha--Why not? Edward's kind of an asshole. Like seriously, he lies to you all the time and stalks you. How do you not have serious trust issues?
Edward: Don't listen to that wolf dude. Let's have violent sex, where I rough you up a bit. My semen-venom also somehow doesn't hurt you because we both waited until we were married.
Bella: I am rewarded for my sexual inexperience with a creepy, blood-drinking baby now.
Edward: I'm going to try and abort the child without your consent, because I'm such a good male figure.
Jacob: I hate ur baby.
(Bella has baby.)
Jacob: I love ur baby.