Oh sweet zombie Jesus, it's time for Performance Evaluations again! Being a new employee at a company, it's important to set realistic goals that also demonstrate your commitment and dedication to the new position. Here are a few examples from the performance goals I set for myself.
1. Limit wine consumption in office to one glass per day, and at least attempt to disguise it.
2. Develop office nickname. Preferred: ConnMan, C-Dawg, "Big Junk". Acceptable Alternative: Snowflake
3. Read two Lolcats per day, minimum.
4. Email hilarious partially nude photo of self to engineering group to promote interoffice camaraderie.
5. Have at least one person refer to me as a "snappy" dresser.
6. Show that bitch lunch lady in the cafeteria who's REALLY the boss.
7. Figure out if I have developed "Tyler Durden" alter ego. If confirmed, attempt to limit fatalities on company property.
8. Exude confidence and raw masculine sexuality.
Connor's Daily Grind: Fresh-Brewed and Delivered Right to Your Doorstep
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