Accidental Creepster...

There’s a cute girl who sits in a block of cubicles on the other side of the big engineering bay where I work. Believe me, this is a rarity in The Company (apparently). At the very least, I would be content making a friend and having someone to talk to when work gets slow.

I had the perfect, convenient excuse to introduce myself to her. The employees in my bay are organized into clusters of six cubicles each. I refer to them as “cube farms.” As it happens, I had to ask a work question from one of the people in her farm. So I could pop over there with valid work business, and quickly worm my way into her heart.

We have an IM client at work that displays an employee’s status. That way, people can see if you’re at your desk, or in a meeting, or on travel. So I planned to use that for it’s (kind of) intended function, and just check if she was there before I go ask my question. What I DIDN’T know was that the IM client will notify the person if you add them as a friend on your buddy list. So I threw her name into my list, saw she was there, and started walking over to ask my question.

I’m just around the corner when I hear her ask “Who is this Connor Dolan?!” in a puzzled exclamation to her other cube farmers.

So then I ran away.

Of course, the worst part is that I still have to ask the other person in her cube farm my work question. But I don’t want to introduce myself to him if they think I’m a random creepster! *Sigh.* All I wanted was a friend, and instead I’m going to end up with a restraining order…

Spoilerz Alert

Don't read this post if you don't want to know anything about the Twilight series. I'm serious. Just stop reading my intoxicating words now and come back some other day.

I am not fucking around. This post is going to reveal some heavy plot stuff and you probably don't want to have it spoiled.

I'm trying to create lots of line breaks here to push the main content off the page, but you're running out of time.

Still here? You've made the right choice. Not like those others.

I'm proud of you. You know what my grandfather struggled to whisper to me while he was dying from liver failure and the entire family begged him to give up the bottle?

"God hates a quitter."

So read on, my fellow dedicated souls! Drink deeply from the mouth of my 90 Proof blog-a-bottle.


Ok, have you noticed that pretty much NOTHING happens in the entire first half of Breaking Dawn (I'm bored and re-reading it)? All that they do is have weird sex and then get knocked up. All of that takes up as much space as the first Twilight book. I could write most of the plot in just one paragraph:

Bella: Oh you're so impossibly handsome! You have marble skin. I'm going to refer to you as being "marble" a lot.
Edward: You're kind of a dumbass. Like, mentally not that bright.
Jacob: I love youuuu, Bella!
Bella: I love you too!
Jacob: REALLY?!!
Bella: Hahaha dummy! Not really!
Jacob: Wha--Why not? Edward's kind of an asshole. Like seriously, he lies to you all the time and stalks you. How do you not have serious trust issues?
Edward: Don't listen to that wolf dude. Let's have violent sex, where I rough you up a bit. My semen-venom also somehow doesn't hurt you because we both waited until we were married.
Bella: I am rewarded for my sexual inexperience with a creepy, blood-drinking baby now.
Edward: I'm going to try and abort the child without your consent, because I'm such a good male figure.
Jacob: I hate ur baby.
(Bella has baby.)
Jacob: I love ur baby.

Office Antics

So I just ate my lunch and afterward I was feeling kind of cold (I always feel colder after eating, for some reason). Anyways, I was sitting in my chair and I started rubbing my hands together to try and get blood flowing to my fingers. But I accidentally rubbed my palms together too hard and they made a little farting sound. I immediately froze and then carefully looked around. Everyone in my little cube farm had also kind of frozen, but were avoiding looking at me. They totally thought I let one rip.

What's my next move at this point? Declare that I'm not an office farter? Say nothing and let the rumors spread? Maybe blame it on the dude next to me.

Blog entry? Check!

I like to set goals for myself. Not because I’m an over-achiever, but because I like to check items off a “to-do” list and make the little check mark symbol in the air. “Daily bowel movement? Check!” This has not made me popular in the men’s room stalls.

One of my personal goals is to become a regular at the wine bar across the street from my place. To that end, I have been forcing myself to go eat dinner there twice a week. I want the bartenders/hostesses/owners there to know my name and what kind of drink I prefer. I also want them to cheer “Connor!” when I walk through the doors and possibly give me a hug. That’s reasonable.

Sadly, there is a problem with my amazing plan: I don’t know how to say the name of the wine bar, and enough time has gone by that I feel weird asking. The name is “Brix” but is this pronounced like “Bricks” or “Bree”? The only solution I can come up with is to get hammered, pass out and conveniently tumble off my barstool, then “come to” and pretend to be disoriented as I ask “Where am I?” Then wait expectantly for someone to answer my question.

Tactful solution to a trivial problem? Check!

Marina

Dawn of the Browning

Alexis

Momma Bird will miss it, but Baby Bird's gotta fly.

Helping hands

There is a lumbering giant of a man in my building who always walks half a step behind me. I feel his presence constantly looming over my shoulder in hallways. His ragged breath is hot on my neck as I leave a conference room. I cringe when he gets so close that I catch a waft of his distinctive odor (smells like cats)... And he's ALWAYS that close. I feel like Mr. Close Walker wants me to walk faster, and I don't know why he won't just walk around me.

The worst part is when we reach an entrance. Since I'm half a step in front, I will start to open the door. But THEN, Mr. Close Walker will reach forward and grab the door frame... AS I AM IN THE PROCESS OF OPENING IT... and open it as well. So his hand is over my shoulder, and it's almost like he's assisting me in opening the door.

This is one of the worst violations of personal space ever. If it keeps happening, I'm going to go insane and fling myself off the Space Needle.